Monday, December 24, 2012
Today has been another day of highs and lows....just the kind of roller coaster that i am not apt to get on if it were at a fair BUT this is REAL LIFE.....and it IS what i would get on.
Today was a day that took me to my limits....well, actually WAY WAY WAY beyond my limits so i would run to God's limits ---of which there are NONE>>>>>ZERO!!! I wept as i poured my heart out to Scott.....i feel like such a failure as i just can't seem to keep up with anything. He knows all of the failures...the things that i can't keep up with....you all think that you hear it all but there is just SO MUCH MORE! There is such guilt that i FIGHT as i go through this journey that i am on. I have to fight it with all of me or the guilt overtakes me.
I feel like a failure to my friends.....there are SO SO SO MANY who are in crisis RIGHT NOW! I SO wish that i could do MORE BUT GOD.....reminds me to not just wish i could do more BUT DO WHAT I CAN!!! I feel like a failure to my children....each of them for different reasons.......to my husband......to SO many things.......tonight, i was hurting so deeply.
What is amazing is that God seems to always wait until i am on my last tiny little bitty intsy weeny small bit of string before -BOOM.....what i need.....first i got a card in the mail. I thought that it was a 'typical' CHRISTmas card but my daughter brought it to me so i would read it RIGHT AWAY....it was instead, an encouraging note! SHORT but JUST WHAT I NEEDED!! My hubby and i got to actually talk for longer than a very disrupted short amount of time and i NEEDED that! THEN, i got a text from someone else that said that they had friends who were talking about me to her and it made her feel as if i were right there with her. It brought tears to my eyes. THEN, only thirty minutes after that one....as if God wanted to make sure that i got the picture.....He sent another message that brought tears just FLOWING down my cheeks. GOD knows our needs....He loves us.....His ways are NOT our ways BUT GOD.....
May i tell you that we talked many times today that THIS year is Ethan's first CHRISTmas with his family!!! OH how we are thrilled that he has a family and that he is HOME with US! We can't imagine what his life would have been like....we see MANY HUNDREDS of other children who are living in orphanages even now...children who are 5,8, 12, and even 15! Ethan is worth the sacrifice that each of us have made. A sacrifice makes life 'tastier'....more flavorful.....more alive when those moments of beauty come. Right now, they may be coming farther apart then we would like BUT those moments are there....little memories as to what this whole adoption thing is about! God sacrificed ........Jesus gave up His life in absolute perfect surroundings to come down to a place that smelled of cow manure and donkey dung!!! I think that i can eat poorly for awhile, sleep less, not keep up with pretty much well, anything for a little boy whom i love dearly....you see, he is my son.....and this is his first CHRISTmas HOME with his family!
ALWAYS BLESSED -----MERRY CHRISTmas!!!