I learned even MORE.....

The outpouring of responses from my last blog was COMPLETELY and OVERWHELMINGLY shocking!  I am a little person in the land of blogging.  I have learned a lot of things that have changed me already.
When Scott and i were being led to adopt, well, the timing was HORRIBLE!!!  Our eldest daughter was getting married, Scott had just started a job that was nine hours away and would mean that he would only be home for 6 days every 6-8 weeks, our toddler with DS had MAJOR eating issues, and the list was a MILE long!  It just did NOT make ANY logical sense!  It did NOT make any person who likes their 'ducks in a row' kind of life feel like it could be right!  YET, we kept going back to what the Lord was saying.....and over and over and over and over again....we were to adopt whether it made sense to anyone else or not!!!  The verse just kept going over and over again in our heads and out of our mouths...God's ways are NOT our ways!!!
Well, i have to tell you something that was going on in my mind since Ethan has been home and i have seen multiple families ALREADY going back to bring more children into their lives.  My thoughts went something like this.  WOW!  I wonder what i am doing wrong in that there is NO WAY that i could EVER bring ANOTHER child into our home when Ethan isn't really where he should be in his adjustment, our family life is just crazy, Sophina is still having eating issues that take hours a day, and we have had enough craziness.  What i found out through MULTIPLE messages, messages in a private group, FB responses and your responses on here is something i never would have guessed!
I heard from many people who have already adopted and have adopted recently and people who adopted more than one child at a time and do you know what was AMAZING TO ME!?!?!?!  Their children were still struggling with adjustment, were still having major affects from the orphanage, were still trying to figure out how to live in a house with a family, etc..... THEIR LIVES WERE NOT ALL back to 'normal' yet.  "Ducks in a row".....well, that went out the window!  Where is that in the Bible anyway? ;)
Another amazing thing is that i have quite a few friends who are adopting again and it makes absolutely ZERO 'logical sense' or 'earthly sense' BUT when it is put into God's perspective- it is PERFECT!!!  Shannon, with her family, are adopting again.......and are at peace in knowing that this is what God has asked of them.....at a time that to the outside world -doesn't make sense.  Another friend, whose daughter was at the same orphanage as our Ethan and also adopted two others on that trip AFTER we brought home Ethan, is also adopting again!  People are surprised as it has been a life of adjustments YET GOD ASKED!!!  They answered with obedience!  Another dear friend is one who i have also asked prayers for as her son went to Jesus almost five months ago.....and in the middle of their intense grief.....God has asked them to bring home a sibling group of three children home!  God called them, they obeyed!!!  What i have realized is that the outside world may think that this is crazy BUT get this.......it isn't about what the outside world is believing is best for a family, it is what GOD thinks is best!
This past group of times at our home school group i have been a helper in a class that i have an absolute PASSION for and that is the Heroes of the Faith series which shares our forefathers (foremothers) in a biography form from their childhood and throughout their lives.  Well, this class has been doing Gladys Aylward -  a single woman who took care of over 200-TWO HUNDRED orphans!!!  The first child was a little girl who was being sold right before her eyes.  She didn't have food, she didn't have a room, clothes, or ANYTHING for a little girl and YET......she adopted her on the spot!  Yes, do not give me all of the excuses as to why that couldn't work today as the POINT is that it did NOT make sense LOGICALLY YET God asked her and she INSTANTLY said YES!!!
God does NOT make sense when He asks MORE of us than we are capable of!  What is amazing is that i think that He does it all the time and we get too full of fear, fear of failure, what others will think of us, fear of messing it all up and hearing our friends say-"i told you so".  What Gladys Aylward and what some of my friends are finding is that instead of getting PRAYER support and encouragement from the people who believe in the God of miracles.....they are getting told all of the reasons why the timing is NOT right, why it can't work, a sense of gossip happening etc.
The FORTY plus books that are done by YWAM are called Christian Heroes: Then & Now and are FULL of people who make absolutely ZERO sense to the world around them and do you know what? GOD USES THEM!!!  God, in fact, blows the minds of people all around them as no one can understand!  No one could figure out HOW Gladys could care for over 200 children AND do all that she was doing besides that,  Eric Liddell did NOT make sense in refusing to run on a Sabbath, George Muller cared for over ten THOUSAND children in Bristol,  Jim Elliot said a famous quote that we all love to say BUT it is one thing to say it and another to LIVE it (or to watch as someone ELSE does it) "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose," and MANY MANY more names that you all would know!  What is 'funny' to me is that we all LOVE to read about them BUT IF we were to have lived back in their day.....what would my response have been to them when they told me what God had asked of them!?  What would YOUR response have been?
SO, all of this to say......if God is calling you to DO SOMETHING that is NOT making any sense here on earth.....i PRAY that you will DO. IT.  AND i am also going to add this......i pray that not only will people SAY that they are supporting you BUT WILL support you through words of encouragement, financial, PRAYERS and ways of DOING WHAT THEY CAN!!!
The Lord does not ask us to be perfect BEFORE we have Him in our life- THAT is what HE is all about.....perfecting US!  It is just like this in our LIVING OUT our CHRISTian walk....He doesn't ask us to have everything all 'set up' so we are "ready to DO His will"......we just need to DO IT WHEN HE ASKS!!!  No matter if our neighbors, friends, family and acquaintances think that we are NOT doing what we SHOULD be!  GOD is the ONE who we will stand before someday and HE is the One we will have to answer to!
This was written on Saturday night and this morning i heard a sermon which the pastor was talking about Abraham and how HE OBEYED God in such a way that was NOT easy and was FULL of faith YET, get this---AFTER he obeyed Abraham was living in a time of HORRIBLE famine!  The pastor said something that i also want us ALL to remember in OUR times of doubt AND for those who are watching someone step out in faith.....JUST because someone followed God in obedience and faith does NOT mean that all is going to go well!!!  We or they may be put into a famine!!!  Amazing how God brought that time for me to be able to hear that part of the sermon ( a miracle in itself this morning ;) )
PS  I have permission from the THREE SPECIFIC families that i spoke of and i will be continuing to show US how we can HELP them in their OBEDIENCE!!!

Do we believe in God's Redemption Power?

The past many months i have been quiet.  I have been quiet because of many reasons. People don't believe this but i have even been quiet on FB.  Comments were made over these eleven months that hurt. People said things that made me go further and further into quietness. What is amazing is that TODAY i have decided WHY i no longer CAN be quiet.  I believe in God's redemption power!!!

Let me explain and yes, i am sorry but, this one is going to be LONG-VERY long!  When Sophina was in the Children's hospital, many people asked why i would show the pictures of her looking so horrible.  THEN, when she had her surgery some people were horrified that i would take pictures of her coming out of surgeries with all of the gadgets....with her looking so terrible and blood everywhere.  I told them the reason and now it is applying in my life again.....because i want to be able to show her where she came from.  I want to be  able to show her how far she has come.  I want her to know what she went through.

Another background that i feel comes into play here is in the Christian realm.  In the Church as i was growing up and even now, as a whole, on the average, we say that we want people who are searching, people who are living on drugs, sexual sins, struggling with addictions, etc.....to come through our doors BUT our human response to people who may smell of alcohol, or dress inappropriately, or just plain ole stink are NOT the ones that we all run to embrace on a typical Sunday morning where we come with our own masks of what we ourselves are struggling with.  The depression, the anger issue, the pride, the swearing, the things that we watch when no one is looking, the sins that no one can see....those are the things that we can hide......and that is EXACTLY what the evil one wants.... HIDING.  BECAUSE when things are brought into God's light....that is when the HEALING happens, THAT is where God is, that is where TRUTH is dealt with- in the LIGHT.

Now, for what i believe about international adoption, as that is all i know AND at that....it is only my child.  From the very beginning, i was warned that i probably should not be sharing what i had shared.  So, i closed it down a little.  Someone else said that i was sharing too much.  Someone else said that my posts were too long.  It continued to where now i have been sharing very little of my heart AND thus, my heart has been getting covered in layers of protection from pain instead of vulnerable and open.  THAT is who God made ME.  I have always been an open book.  It has been since i was young.  Victoria reminds me of ME when i was her age and believe me it doesn't get her a lot friendships either.

This week is marking eleven months of having Ethan home with us....being in our family.......being my son!!!  I believe that HIS LIFE is going to have God's redemptive power written all over it one day BUT until then......his life.....****tears****.....his life has been a very hard one.  His life is NOT one that everyone WANTS to see.  His life with us is HARD.  His life with us is ugly.  His life with us is TOUGH!  His life with us has moments of pure joy for something that other people see DAILY, several times a day even. Yet, his life with us has taught me more about God's love than anything else in my entire forty-seven years.

Our son bit me HARD within the first few hours of being in the van leaving his orphanage.  My thought was that he was teething BUT I was immediately shown his teeth chart showing that the teeth were all in.  I had a bruise for a week.  Those days in the hotel were scary to both Scott and i as we watched a little boy be so scared and not knowing how to be in a family as all he had ever known was a big cold building with workers in uniforms and dozens of other children.  I was completely exhausted when we landed and couldn't wait to collapse into someone's arms.

Scott was only able to be home for seven days and we knew that it was going to be TOUGH that very next morning home as we prepared for Mother's Day service.  What i know now is that what we experienced that morning was NOTHING.  It was so hard to have Scott leave and Scott hated it just as much as i did (and still does).  The hitting happened the very first morning with Sophina getting hit in the head HARD with a hard plastic cup.  Sophina, on that first day, was HORRIFIED that anyone could ever be mean to her.  We made him ask her for forgiveness.  She struggled for only a moment to forgive but we have it in a picture.....her eyes red (showing the long sobbing that she did of a broken heart more than a bruised head) but she held him entirely, without holding back.  This month, whenever Ethan gets within three feet of her she instinctively backs up to protect herself.  She has been pushed, hit, had her hair pulled and on rare occasion, has been bit by her big brother.  One day, i pray that he will do the opposite.  That first day when he hit her over the head, he didn't like it that she cried....he STILL can't stand it when she cries.  He almost always wants to comfort her but many times will push her hard again so we are ALWAYS standing RIGHT THERE when forgiveness is being 'asked' for!

Ethan pulled hair like crazy.....of all of us females.  For some reason, Ethan tends to do things in spurts and right now that is on the last of his list of 'tools of owies'.  He would pull Sophina's hair when we would have it in a pony tail or when we wouldn't.  All of the females had long hair when Ethan came.  Ally cut her hair first, then Catia and Vica and i haven't yet.  He does not pull hair at school.  Nor does he hit, bite or hurt others physically.  Of course, it could be because there is almost always an adult nearby him at all times.  Adults are not ones that he messes with too often, except maybe to pull off their glasses.  We were also told that that is not a place where his attachment issues are struggling within him.  Also, we have found that he instinctively knows who he can 'control' and who he can't.

The hardest part of all that Ethan does is not the poop issues (it happened too many times where he would get the diaper off and eat what was in there BUT Mommy is smarter now AND will never again allow him to be in his crib with a non-duct-taped-diaper with his pj's on the correct way EVER no matter how much i need him in a time out), not even the issues of the physical stuff but rather the laughter in his eyes and his laugh when he does it.  It has been eleven months now and yesterday was probably the hardest day so far.  It was just so continual.  He seems to take pleasure in his painful ways.  One of the things that we heard and i personally saw was that when a child SMACKED a worker HARD across the face, the response was laughter and going on with her conversation.  My thought was that i was PLEASED!  I was thrilled in fact that they hadn't beat her (that particular child) up.  I now no longer am PLEASED.  I am horrified that our son believes that it is FUNNY to hurt another person.  I have been told that it will take as many years as our son was in the orphanage to unlearn what was put into him BUT when it is the first three years of life.....i am wondering if it may take longer.

Ethan has had tantrums since day one that blew my mind and still do.  This past Easter was one of the worst!!!  He was mad at me that i didn't have his banana ready for him when he came up to his high chair to get in and started yelling at me in his gibberish and not just yelling at me but SCREAMING at me.  I then told him calmly that he was NOT going to get a banana unless he stopped screaming at me and now had to ask nicely for a 'banana please'.  It was forty-five minutes.  Forty-five minutes of LOUD screaming at the top of his lungs.  (he has amazing lungs)  We had to take Sophina out of the room because it was too much for her.  Then he finally calmed down and ate his banana, after asking nicely for it.  I had his beloved hot cereal ready for him and he pitched another fit and for the first time, i took him out of his high chair and put him in a time out.  It was another hour.  Meanwhile, the girls were trying to get ready to go to church.  It was utter chaos even though we had been 'ready' the night before.  I knew the night before that Easter was not going to work for Ethan and had told Ally who then told Nate (our son-in-law and father of our grandchild ;) ).  Nate came in to pick up the girls and to give hugs to Victoria and i as we were staying home with the twins.  When Nate saw me he looked with a question in his eyes as to what was wrong and then hugged me to which i collapsed into tears.  The past three weeks have been the most exhausting of the eleven months.  To receive that hug was an answer to prayer as the Lord KNEW i HAD to have touch right then.  It was a treasure to me.  The girls went to church.

I have missed more church than i have been to.  WHY?  I know that our pastor would be fine with our being there BUT may i tell you what our Sundays looked like.  It was CHAOS, no matter how much we prepared the night before.  One of the twins would either poop out an outfit or refuse to eat or would wake up so crabby that we would be exhausted in the first hour and know that there was no way that anyone would hear the sermon in the foyer as it echoes in there.  Or....we would finally get everyone into the van and into church but the noise would be too much for Ethan even though my soul NEEDED to BE WITH these people.  By the time that the hundreds would get into the service, Ethan would be worked up.  SO, we learned to go 'late' so that the music would be started already as Ethan LOVED music!  BUT, what we found was that IMMEDIATELY after the last note was sung Ethan would start SCREAMING loudly.  Of course, everyone would turn around instinctively.  SO THEN, i learned to leave when i felt like it was the last song and go to where i was right next to the back door.  THEN i would try to hold him or have him sit next to me out in the foyer.  I was wanting to teach him, like he learns in school, that there is a time for quiet.  I would literally and i MEAN literally be in a MASSIVE sweat by the time the service was done.  THEN, Ethan would be seeing men and women talking in the foyer and children running around and wonder why i was holding onto him and making him sit.  It happened the same way on the last Sunday i was there....Palm Sunday.  The reason that i MADE us go was because it is our daughter Catherine's favorite church day of the year and she wanted us to walk in with palm branches as a family.  I walked in with Ethan holding his branches for just moments before dropping them and Victoria had Sophina with Catherine behind us with a friend.  IT WAS SO WONDERFUL being a family praising the Lord and not having to worry about Ethan making a scene.  A treasured few minutes.  Ethan did a FANTASTIC job that morning at church even though he had woken up in one of the grumpiest moods ever and THAT my friends is GRUMPY.  I had run with him (SCREAMING) over to where i put oils on him twice a day and instead of just on his feet, spine and chest....i SLATHERED him in all of the 'calming oils' all over his arms, legs, back, chest, neck-EVERYWHERE.  HE WAS CALM and i couldn't wait until Easter Sunday, the next week!  One day we will get there and i know one day even further down the road, HE will be LOVING to go there and even further i pray that he will be loving the Jesus who loves the unlovable, the sinner, the outcast.

You see that is what CHRISTianity is all about!  CHRIST did NOT come for the healthy!!!  He came for the sinner, for the one who stinks, for the one who strays, for the one that no one else wants, for the one who is dirty and broken AND CHRIST brings LIGHT into that darkness and that filth and He changes hearts and heals what is broken.  What i have FINALLY decided and now do not care if anyone else agrees is that my son, whom i love dearly and would protect completely, is my son.  I will be sharing the whole picture because i need to for what i believe is right.

He may not be a child that you want to hear about or may scare you from adopting yourself BUT I PRAY THAT THIS IS NOT SO!  We did NOT adopt because it was EASY!!!  We did NOT adopt because we wanted a perfect child!!!  The last reason that i am writing what is going on here is because when you feel like God is calling you to adopt....i want YOU to be READY!!!  I want you to know that it is HARD!!!  IT IS TOUGH!!!  IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!  IT IS GOING TO STRETCH YOU TO WHERE EVERYTHING IN YOU WANTS TO GIVE UP!!!  BUT IF GOD CALLED YOU....THEN DO IT!!!!  God is a God of redemption!!!  He is a God who makes things NEW!  Our son may struggle with control, with being kind to his sisters, and may struggle with even knowing how to love for YEARS and i pray not BUT maybe even the rest of his life!  YET, GOD is the One who kept opening the doors for us to GO and bring our SON home....to HIS home!  God is the One who will USE Ethan's life....as hard as it is, for HIS glory!  GOD is the One who called us to THIS BOY....to be HIS family!!!

I am NOT a super human!  In fact, i feel like a complete failure in being a mother to a boy let alone to my daughters!  PLEASE do not idolize me because i am NOT worth idolizing!  GOD IS!  IF you do not want to see the ugly, the sinful, the messy life that i am living than please just let me go.  BUT if you would like to be with me on this messy journey of my new life....then PLEASE try to give me an encouraging word, a Scripture, a song or a prayer because it is needed.  I cannot do this alone!  God did not mean for us do LIFE on our own OR even with 'just' Him!!!

PS  I will also be writing all of the things that are NOT hard in our adoption process.  I didn't have time for this post BUT God was screaming it in my ear this morning as i was on my hands and knees cleaning up poop from Sophina!!!  Yep, last night it was Ethan's and this morning it was Sophina's (both were my own fault and BOTH brought me a LOT of learning... God is like that....He even uses poop to teach me a lesson!)
I am ALWAYS BLESSED, Connie

My five long days in the hospital

So.....here is my hospital story. UGH! On Dec. 31st i was having bend over pains in my abdomen to the point of where i was not enjoying the end of night munchies as i had no appetite to WANT to. It had started at about 7pm. The pain woke me up @6am on a day that i could have been sleeping in :( I went downstairs to try to be able to curl more into a ball, walk, do something to help but nothing helped and i finally crawled back into bed and for the first time since i can remember.....i told the girls that i would not be able to get out of bed.....too much pain. It was bad.
I tried toast with butter and honey with peppermint tea....only got in one bite and a few sips of tea. I am forgetful of order here but i know that i heard the girls struggling with Sophina's eating and i knew that it would not be long and i would have to help. Sure enough, Ally came up and said that Sophina would not eat or drink for any of them. I took my heating pad with me and put it on my belly then my back to try to help with the pain. I was hunched over trying to feed Sophina.....i got her fed and got her to drink quite a bit of milk but just didn't have it in me to fight her anymore. I went back up to bed and tried one more bite of toast and another sip of tea and promptly went to sleep.
It was lunchtime and there was a need for mom so i woke up. The phone rang....Bob was on the phone and said that i should probably go in. LeAnne called the medical group for me while i was on with Bob and found out that the one i go to was closed for New Year's and the other one was already past booked for the whole rest of the day/night....the only choice was the ER. The girls said that they would hold down the fort.
SIX HOURS of waiting in the waiting room in the ER. Bob and LeAnne were with me the entire time. I finally got into the back where they did all kinds of tests. Tests were showing that something was wrong.....several tests were coming back WAY out of whack and i remember one test was SEVENTEEN times what it should be. They did a cat scan and had me drink some awful stuff......i had not eaten and i had hardly drunk anything due to the fact that the nurse told me that i couldn't in case they had to do surgery! UGH! I drank the stuff as fast as they told me and after the first scan on the Cat scan...i threw up all over the floor and into the lovely TINY bag put in front of my face as i lay there on my side on the scan table. The scan came back that my colon was VERY inflamed.
I was admitted to the hospital 12 hours after i had come into the hospital. LeAnne was with me the entire time and Bob (who is fighting cancer) was with me for eight of those hours as i didn't want him to be back in the room where they did the tests.........YET, he sat in that ER waiting room for a couple hours waiting. He came back to the hospital VERY late in the night with a few items he got from the girls for me. Scott was on his way home from work...a day early as he WAS planning on coming home for our only family CHRISTmas celebration with his side. His family had not seen Scott for a full year.
Sophina got very sick, coming off of the bus from preschool with a NAP on the way home. Scott said she had a near 104 temp. The doctors could not understand why i was still having pain....NOT as bad as before but it was still there AND i was having slight nausea after eating the little bit that i tried again to eat. They decided that i needed a colonoscopy to see what we were dealing with.
I dehydrate VERY easily and get migraines when i do. Thinking that since i had the IV, i should be fine....they started me on the horrible Crystal Light Drink that would "make my BM's look like pee". I had learned to SIP it SLOWLY from the cat scan.....SO i drank slowly from 2:30pm until i showed them that i thought i was done....MANY hours later. Again, i couldn't eat or drink. I had gone many nights without food, drink or sleep. The IV must not have been giving me enough because i wrote a note on FB that i could tell that i was fighting a migraine......hit POST and BOOM i fell onto the partially upright mattress in a ball and never moved a muscle for the next four hours. I never ever in my worst imaginations had ever known that a migraine could be so overwhelming. The half of my body closest to the mattress was falling asleep and there was nothing i could do about it. I was alone and in the worst pain and nausea i have ever experienced in my life. They gave me TWO Imitrex and it did NOTHING. The nurses were amazing. I could not see anyone as i couldn't even open my eyes and my body had collapsed with my head looking at my knees if i had opened them....i was in a ball. The RN was getting frantic as i could hear it in her voice....she needed to get me better before this colonoscopy! There was another nurse who was AMAZING in that she rubbed my pressure points in my head! She could only do it for a few seconds BUT i got some relief. That same voice got me an ice pack and put it on my head....again SOME relief. OH how i was longing for someone to come and rub my head with the oils that i had seen across the room before i fell onto the mattress so many hours before. They gave me another Imitrex....this time in the form of a shot in my belly. NOTHING The nurse was now getting angry as they were short staffed and i was not able to help her get me ready and she was getting called that i was late. She was doing her best but there was no one available to help her. I had had to go to the bathroom for a long time......i was now feeling very drugged, lightheaded and like i couldn't walk. I got to the bathroom with much help and another nurse came for a minute to help get me onto the bed for traveling. The ice pack/massager of my head nurse was the one who took me down....oh my....i felt like someone had given me bad drugs....i felt a different kind of awful.
They got me down there......i was now in tears.....i felt so alone as no one even knew what the last four hours had been like and no one knew that i was going into the procedure in a way that was NOT ideal. I laid on that bed with tears streaming down the sides of my face and no ability to wipe them......they had to actually help me sign the paperwork......i could barely lift my arm. i MADE SURE that the anestheseologist knew that i had had so many drugs just moments before and i told him that i was NOT used to it.
They contemplated not going ahead with it. I begged them to do it because i could not ever go through the whole process that i had endured again! They decided to go for it. They told me that they were going to give me a relaxer before they gave me the 'real stuff' and i told them to not give me too much because i knew i would not need much. I made it maybe thirty seconds and never even saw the doorway as i was OUT! Next thing i knew, i was awake and felt like i had had the deepest sleep of my life and then felt weird.
Dr Liveringhouse (?) let me know that they found no cancer or any other serious thing but next week would let me know the findings of the biopsies. I called them this morning and saw the findings this afternoon at the check up.....NOTHING! They decided that it was a bad viral infection!!!
The nurses laughed during my five day stay when people would tell me that i should be there to rest! HA! There were so many interruptions in sleep....1:30am/4am and 7:30 there was blood pressure, temperature, etc..... my blood pressure would take 3-4 tries and i would struggle to get back to sleep. The day time was no different. PLUS, the alarms, the hacking of people all around in the rooms around, the throwing up.....all of the noises i could hear. The fact that my arm had to be kept in a straight out position didn't help sleep at all AND then there was that long tube attached too. The nurses and doctors all agreed that this WAS NOT the place to get 'rest'.
SO....five days in the hospital.....horrible and painful things that would not have happened if i had been home.....i can't imagine the cost......it stopped our family CHRISTmas gathering......our family was in three different places......ALL for the outcome of a 'nasty viral infection'. i will never understand.....but i guess that i don't need to. I AM ALWAYS BLESSED

LONGEST one i have ever written....worth it

OK....I am going to try to put all of the story of our roof and Amara's Acts of Kindness into ONE story so you all will read the WHOLE thing.....WHY!?!?!  BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING!!!  On so many angles.
 I find it amazing that yesterday is the 'anniversary' of the family finding something wrong with their precious daughter.....yesterday was four years.
Here is what they found on that day.....i can't imagine the emotions.
"Our little girl, Amara, went in for an MRI scan of her brain and spine on January 9th, 2009. The MRI was done to just make sure that nothing was causing some motor delays and her occasional toe walking. The MRI found a "mass" in her spinal cord, and some "stuff" on her brain, and some nodules around the outside of her kidneys. She was immediately admitted to Children's Hospital where a large group of doctors did many test on her, drew lots of blood, and preformed a spinal tap. The oncologist told us that Amara is what they call a "Medical Mystery" to a lot of different specialist. So far all the test results have been normal. However, the group of doctors are all in agreement that the "mass" in her spine needs to come out. The surgery has been scheduled for Monday, February 2nd, at 7:30a.m. at Children's Hospital. This surgery will determine the next step of action, if any!  This was a complete incidental finding. We know that this has all been in God's timing and we have complete faith in the neurosurgeon that the Lord has hand picked for our little girl! As we are on our knees for our daughter, the Lord has picked us up and has taken us to a place of comfort, peace, and assurance! God is in control, our Savior, our Creator, and our Healer! This is the verse on our refrigerator, the one our daughter has memorized in heart, the scripture for the month of January. Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous! Do NOT tremble or be dismayed! For the Lord, your God, is with you WHEREVER you go! " God bless you all! The Weidinger Family Matt, Molly, Amara, and Lydia"
 On July 26th, 2012.....Amara went to be with Jesus....she left an amazing testimony that will be worth the time to read

Well, it looks like everything has been set for Amara's Celebration of Life Service, thank you for all your prayers as they make final arrangements for this special day! Everyone at Plymouth Covenant has welcomed them with open arms, and are excited to be a part of such a special event! Praise God for such an answer to prayer!

Even though Amara was never a mystery to Jesus, she went to Heaven being a 'medical mystery' to some of the best doctors in the world...and because of that Matt and Molly allowed the hospital to do a full autopsy on Amara's body, in hopes that they will solve her 'mystery' and in turn be able to help the lives of many other children. So please pray for this process and as they wait for answers, that God will cover it all, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Here is a preview of Amara's obituary that will run in Sunday's Star and Tribune....and many of you have been asking for their address which is:
10051 Troy Lane North
Maple Grove, MN 55311

“Amara Susan Weidinger went to dance with Jesus, her best friend, on July 26th, 2012. She lived her life for the Lord and always found ways to SHINE FOR JESUS! Amara will be soarly missed here on earth, by everyone who crossed her path, however, we know that Heaven gained a MIGHTY warrior, that will continue to help lead the Army of Jesus! Her purpose in life was to make “fishers of men”, and she did just that while wearing her bright smile, colorful hats and fancy sunglasses! Amara spent her life dreaming and thinking about Heaven, and now she is finally HOME, in the arms of her Savior! You can learn more about her journey and how God used her kindness, love, and amazing faith to impact others, at www.cargingbridge.org/visit/amaraweidinger . Amara, Daddy and Mommy “love you to the moon and back and back again”! Keep SHINING ON, sweetheart!

Survived by loving parents, Matt and Molly; devoted sister, Lydia; loyal dog, Haley; beloved grandparents, Tom and Susan Mickelson; (Bapa & Nana)Roger and Charlene Weidinger; Great Grandma, Mary -Charlotte Crill; Uncle Jeremy Mickelson(Teresa), cousins Owen(10), Nora(8), Finn(4); Aunt Anne Lenneartson(Jason), cousin Ellie(2); Uncle Steve Mickelson; Uncle Tim, cousins Timmy(11) & Taylor(11); Aunt Renee(Guy), cousins Randi(17) & Payton(5); Uncle Bill Shipton & Uncle Jack Rhodes; Uncle Dick Mickelson; Uncle Jerry Mickelson(Becky). She was also survived by many other, very special relatives, teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, classmates, and numerous friends who loved her dearly, and who she loved SO much!

Amara’s Celebration of Life Service will be held on Thursday, August 9th, @ 2:00p.m. at Plymouth Covenant Church, 4300 Vicksburg Lane, Plymouth, MN, 55446. Please feel free to dress in your favorite color of the rainbow, as we CELEBRATE this special day!

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the “Amara Weidinger Fund” at any Wells Fargo.”

From ME now....Connie.....
"The last six weeks have been past overwhelming here at this house. Sick children, a friend with a son who was near death and is STILL fighting MRSA, without my hubby here (until this last week) and then finally me being in the hospital (a story for another day) but THIS story HAS to be told before i do one more thing!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this post - I am in tears already and that is another reason i just couldn't write....i am just so completely overwhelmed....
ok....deep breath as i sob. I pray that YOU are moved to DO SOMETHING because of what you next read here"
In the middle of these past weeks, a miracle happened! It was a "little" miracle at first. We found a roofer who said what i have been thinking for twelve years....the roof needed to be completely redone. The miracle in that.....the roofer was no one that i knew and i never WOULD have known had my cousin not been coming to visit our house often. I had mentioned about our roof HAVING to be done. There was no more putting it off! I had forgotten about her even mentioning that she knew an incredible roofer. A roofing company came to the door and i LOVED them! My cousin saw that and stepped into action immediately. The rest.....is history BUT worth "the rest of the story".
The next miracle is one that God knows......God CHOSE this roofer for reasons that still amaze me! GOD'S TIMING BLEW MY MIND!!!! (crying all throughout writing this but really crying now) You see the timing of this was NOT just for me but also for the roofer. God knows EVERYTHING!
This roofer had children who went to the same school as Amara and my cousin's children. The roofer donated all of his time. What is amazing is that he did it with complete JOY! Just so very blessed!
The next miracles just kept growing and growing and growing.....to the point of i still just cannot wrap my head around it.....oh my goodness.....i don't know if i can get through this.....sobbing. How can i see to write this!?!?!!? 
My cousin told me about this little girl named Amara.....how she had a friend whose little girl just passed away a few months ago.......how the family started this amazing 'group' that does 'acts of kindness' so that Amara is never forgotten because she was just an angel with a heart that reminds me of our Sophina. I listened and heard of ANOTHER child who had passed away so young and it broke my heart BUT never dreamed that we would be the recipient of an 'act of kindness'. I was wrong!
Oh good grief.....whew!
My cousin was all excited as she told me about how this group was going to help us. I never ever could have imagined how much they were going to 'help us'. 
If you see the picture of our roof now....there are vents that are sticking out of the roof that are going to be a HUGE help from now on. THAT is the biggest difference between what was and what has happened. 
Our roofer found things that i think made his blood boil. The roof that had had to be put on in order for us to accept the price of the house twelve years ago.....was HORRIBLE. Our roofer took pictures since i was in the hospital and i have not been able to see them yet because there were just so many. Simple things that any roofer would know were done wrong and not done well at that.
(i am going to be exhausted after writing this all out)
Another miracle......having someone who cared enough to do it RIGHT! He was passionate about it. His crew came while i was in the hospital.....it was done in a little over one day and it came on a day (another timing miracle of God's) when Sophina needed something to have her mind on besides the fact that she was very sick and her family was all gone except Daddy who she doesn't get to see very often. Scott said that she LOVED it and 'talked' to the 'boys' out there all throughout the day. (another miracle......she is usually freaked out by loud noises)
Our roof takes my breath away. The color is so perfect.....the roofer picked it out......and it makes my house MATCH!!! I get weepy just pulling into the driveway. I don't know if there is anyone else on earth who is as grateful for a roof as i am. There are NO WORDS to describe what a new roof means to me. It has been a REAL burden for twelve years....a burden that became REAL every time i would pull into our driveway and SEE the shingles all curled up all over our roof! THEN there was the rain in December....for over thirty years i PASSIONATELY LOVED rain storms....the louder the better!!! I ADORED them! They made me giggle with delight! I doubt that any of my children will remember me like that as i have DREADED rain storms for TWELVE YEARS!!!
I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. FOR. SPRING.
Ok....i've been trying and trying and trying to figure out how to share what was given to us but i have no easy way of doing it. I am sure that Amara's family was BLOWN AWAY by what was coming in for our roof (no pun intended). HALF of our roof costs were paid for. The roof costs were more than the other company had told us but that is because of the vents that HAD to be put in so the air flow worked for our vaulted ceilings. For those who saw what that cost was.....well, it was a LOT! FOR REAL, HALF of the cost of this beautiful, amazing, and fantastic roof was paid for. It was paid for by people that i don't even know! It was paid for by people i do. 
My family will try to honor the LIFE of Amara as these people have honored HER LIFE by blessing us with a gift that just can't be understood! Oh Molly......your daughter is smiling her beautiful smile on what is happening here on earth in her honor. You should be proud of your daughter, her legacy, her friends, her school, your family, your sacrifice of giving out of grief, your friends......i am ALWAYS BLESSED!

https://www.facebook.com/AmarasActsOfKindness?fref=ts

God's ways are NOT my ways but they are BEST

The Lord has shown me in the past twenty-four hours of His providence.  He has shown me that His timing is NOT my timing. 
I have to tell you two stories. One is about our roof.  Our roof, as our closest friends will know, has brought much heartache and grief.  I used to LOVE rainstorms and would cherish them greatly but for the past TWELVE YEARS, they only bring me dread as i would wonder if it was going to be a hard enough, or angled enough or certain kind of rain that would come pouring into our living room.  We have a BEAUTIFUL home that has MANY issues.  The roof has been the biggest.
I have wondered many times as to God's timing but no more as God showed me that the person who is to be doing our roof is the one who is supposed to be doing our roof.  IF we would have done our roof two years ago, it would have been someone different and then we would have just been getting our roof done which is NOT what is happening.  You see, God ordained that life is not about the roof BUT about what God is doing by USING the roof for His purposes!  
What it taught me is that TWELVE YEARS is NOT a long time to God even though it is to me BUT when i saw a little tiny glimpse of HIS PLAN....twelve years REALLY isn't all that long.  It is worth the pain and heartache.
THEN, just an hour or so ago, again God showed me His providence.  I was reading on the site on FB that i am helping with for keeping people up to date about Shannon's Ethan.  What is amazing is that today God showed Himself again. 
You see, around four years ago, our family was in a PICU with our daughter Sophina (ugh....crying at the thought) and on the day when we didn't know if she was going to make it and thought that we may lose her, there was another Mommy who was right next to me watching her little girl.  My hubby was gone for an hour or so when the whole thing started with Sophina and there was no one else with me....but this woman who was sitting with her daughter just a few feet from me was there to give me a hug.  What i found out was that there is a bond that happens when you think you are going to lose your child in the PICU.  It wasn't long when it happened the opposite way too.  This mom who had helped me had the curtain pulled on her baby too (a sign that all is NOT well with your child and is supposed to give some sense of privacy but i KNEW that her daughter was fighting for her life as every doctor and nurse had their eyes on HER baby girl this time).  Again, there was a bond that formed.  They had to leave our PICU and fly out her daughter and i thanked God for FB as i later found out that her daughter had received a new heart within twenty-four hours!

Well, fast forward to today.  You see, that mommy is a woman who is friends with me still on FB.  We have MANY opposite things that we are passionate about BUT we are ones who are unlike almost anyone else when we understand the pain of the PICU.  There is a bond that is unexplainable.  This afternoon, i took three minutes to read on the site for Shannon's Ethan.  There on the site was my Mommy friend.  You see HER daughter was on ECMO.  SHE KNOWS what it is like to go through having a child on ECMO.....whereas i CAN know what it is like to have your child in the PICU for a VERY long time BUT i CANNOT KNOW what it is like to have MY child on ECMO.  There on the site was my Mommy friend, Linsey explaining to people about what happened when her daughters (yes, their second daughter who was just a baby when their firstborn went through the heart transplant, ALSO had to have a heart transplant just this past year...at the same age as their firstborn).  LINSEY is the one who brought HOPE to people who are now praying for a little boy that i love dearly!
God's timing is NOT my timing my friend BUT i was reassured today, which is a day that i DESPERATELY NEEDED assurance, that God KNOWS what He is doing.  You see, today i wondered how i was going to make it as i saw our son revert so far back to what used to be 'normal'.  What i realized today was that if God chose to have me/us live like this for the next TWELVE YEARS THEN He has His reasons!  THAT made all the difference in the world to me.  God's ways are STILL NOT my ways BUT GOD KNOWS BEST!!!
ALWAYS BLESSED
Happy New Year!

MERRY CHRISTmas!!!

Today has been another day of highs and lows....just the kind of roller coaster that i am not apt to get on if it were at a fair BUT this is REAL LIFE.....and it IS what i would get on.
Today was a day that took me to my limits....well, actually WAY WAY WAY beyond my limits so i would run to God's limits ---of which there are NONE>>>>>ZERO!!!  I wept as i poured my heart out to Scott.....i feel like such a failure as i just can't seem to keep up with anything.  He knows all of the failures...the things that i can't keep up with....you all think that you hear it all but there is just SO MUCH MORE!  There is such guilt that i FIGHT as i go through this journey that i am on.  I have to fight it with all of me or the guilt overtakes me.
I feel like a failure to my friends.....there are SO SO SO MANY who are in crisis RIGHT NOW!  I SO wish that i could do MORE BUT GOD.....reminds me to not just wish i could do more BUT DO WHAT I CAN!!!   I feel like a failure to my children....each of them for different reasons.......to my husband......to SO many things.......tonight, i was hurting so deeply.  
What is amazing is that God seems to always wait until i am on my last tiny little bitty intsy weeny small bit of string before -BOOM.....what i need.....first i got a card in the mail.  I thought that it was a 'typical' CHRISTmas card but my daughter brought it to me so i would read it RIGHT AWAY....it was instead, an encouraging note!  SHORT but JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!  My hubby and i got to actually talk for longer than a very disrupted short amount of time and i NEEDED that!  THEN, i got a text from someone else that said that they had friends who were talking about me to her and it made her feel as if i were right there with her.  It brought tears to my eyes.  THEN, only thirty minutes after that one....as if God wanted to make sure that i got the picture.....He sent another message that brought tears just FLOWING down my cheeks.  GOD knows our needs....He loves us.....His ways are NOT our ways BUT GOD.....
May i tell you that we talked many times today that THIS year is Ethan's first CHRISTmas with his family!!!  OH how we are thrilled that he has a family and that he is HOME with US!  We can't imagine what his life would have been like....we see MANY HUNDREDS of other children who are living in orphanages even now...children who are 5,8, 12, and even 15!  Ethan is worth the sacrifice that each of us have made.  A sacrifice makes life 'tastier'....more flavorful.....more alive when those moments of beauty come.  Right now, they may be coming farther apart then we would like BUT those moments are there....little memories as to what this whole adoption thing is about!  God sacrificed ........Jesus gave up His life in absolute perfect surroundings to come down to a place that smelled of cow manure and donkey dung!!!  I think that i can eat poorly for awhile, sleep less, not keep up with pretty much well, anything for a little boy whom i love dearly....you see, he is my son.....and this is his first CHRISTmas HOME with his family!  
ALWAYS BLESSED -----MERRY CHRISTmas!!!

It's been over a month! UFFDA!

Since my last blog post..... well, i have really been struggling......i needed to write some thoughts and it came out onto FB and since it has been awhile since i have shared in depth on there even....i thought that this should be also shared on here.

For the past TWO WEEKS, i have been so badly wanting to write....there has been SO VERY MUCH forgotten because i haven't been able to.  We have been reading the Advent OR our lives have been CRAZY until late into the night and i have nothing left to write it.....and just HOPE that the next night, i would have the stamina to WRITE my thoughts.  SO, due to the fact that there are literally WEEKS of thoughts in this brain....oh my!!!

TODAY, well, now YESTERDAY was the day one year ago that Scott and i got onto an airplane and flew for the very first time over a huge ocean.  We were on our way to meet our son for the very first time!!!  

Ethan has been home here for over seven MONTHS now!  Yes, he has GROWN!!!  OH MY WORD!  He is SO BIG!  He is getting to where i don't think his 3T Carter sleepers are going to fit him for much longer!!!  THE 4T's looked JUST FINE on him already!!!  He is still blowing out diapers like no one's business BUT it is NOT as often.  He does his a, b, c's in his very own way and it is ADORABLE!!!  He just keeps moving his fingers as if he is doing what his 'twin' sister is doing and babbles with a lot of a's and b's and throws in another letter every once in awhile!  He LOVES music.  He loves to dance.  He will throw the biggest fit that he can throw over our Kirby vacuum cleaner.  He is STILL scared if i have to get up from feeding him to add more rice milk to what i am feeding him as he STILL wonders if i will feed him enough!  He knows his schedule enough to also be absolutely CRYING with fear if i have to oil him BEFORE his bedtime meal....it has only happened four times and ALL four times it has been VERY HARD on him....he thinks that i am going to send him to bed without food!!!  IT BREAKS MY HEART!!!

Ethan has NOT been an easy child for me to mother....in almost every area.  It has been a VERY hard seven plus months.  I have thought that i was alone before in my life but THIS has brought me to the most alone spot...these seven months....in my life.  It has been a very lonely time.  It has been a very stretching time.  It has been a very trying time.  It has made me question as if i was a teenager again....so full of doubt in my very being....so full of doubt of so very much. (yes, i know that i am using the word very a lot)

With this LITTLE bit into my life said.....i need to ALSO tell you something.....I WOULD NOT TRADE IT!!!!  I am overwhelmed MOST of the time!  I am exhausted OFTEN!  i am mentally spent!  I am begging God for mercy often!  YET!!!  THIS IS ONLY FOR A TIME!!!   Just because it looks like WE chose this instead of us BIRTHING our son....it makes it as if people think that we should have never CHOSEN this!  What i have to keep reminding myself is that i DID NOT CHOSE THIS!  We had NO DOUBT that GOD DID!!!  

Again, i had to be reminded this morning of my forefathers in the faith of REAL CHRISTianity!  LOOK alone in the Scriptures.....do you see people living lives of EASE!?!?!  Do you see people only doing 'just enough' OR do you see men and women all throughout Scripture being asked to do INSANE things????   THEN just look at ALL of the missionary biographies that we have read to our girls!  TELL ME....does that sound like something that is EASY!?!?!  NO!!!  GOD calls us to the end of ourselves ALL THE TIME!!!

I do NOT know WHY in the world i keep on thinking that my life should somehow get EASY!  WHY on earth would i WANT easy.....i WANT OBEDIENT!!!  UGH!

SO, i just wanted to clarify again......THIS is the LIFE that GOD has CHOSEN for me!!!  It may be VERY VERY HARD BUT it is NOT forever because THAT will be heaven!  I am going to love our son, our daughters and my husband in the very best that i can.....and i WILL FAIL OFTEN!  BUT i want to say this......i would rather fail than NOT obey what He has asked of me.

IF God has asked YOU an INSANE thing.....for YOU, it may be that you do NOT go to college but instead go to a foreign mission field OR you are to go to an inner city mission or you are to stay home and help your parent's on the farm that is really struggling.....THINGS THAT ARE, to the WORLD'S standards...insane.....BUT to God's standards-OBEDIENCE!  DO IT!!!  If God is calling you to do a ministry that you NEVER dreamed that you would ever do.....YOU, who has always been BEHIND the scenes but God has called you to the SPOTLIGHT!  DO IT!  If YOU have always been in LOVE with the spotlight...it is where you are comfortable BUT GOD has called you to the background.....DO IT!   If God is calling you to minister to the single moms out there, to the poor, to the orphan, to the widow, to the broken teens, to the depressed, to the suicidal, to the drug addict, to the HIV child, to the....fill in the blank.....DO IT!!!

GOD HAS CALLED US TO BE DOERS of the WORD NOT hearers who are getting 'fat' in the pews!  WE are to be CHRIST to the lost....to the hurting....to the different.....to the broken....to that cashier that is helping....to that mailman that is crabby....to that gas station attendant....to that teacher......we NEVER know what that other person is going through....TAKE an extra second of forty and say a sentence of encouragement!!! LOVE like Jesus!!!

My passion has been changed from these last seven months.....my eyesight has been changed...my eyes are more open to that struggling mother of two and no husband......to that single mother of a child with 'special needs'......to that widow who is trying to bring up her teenagers without a father.....to that woman who is struggling to keep her life together with all that is needed of her but she humanly cannot do on her own.  I AM NOT SINGLE but NEVER in my life have i ever had EYES like i do now for what they go through.....NEVER has my heart HURT for their daily life of RARELY being able to be WITH PEOPLE.....or to REALLY be HEARD or listened to on a DAILY basis, like a wife does.  NEVER have i ever come close to what it must be like for them.....until these past seven months.  

I am so grateful to God for bringing Ethan into our lives as because of him....my life HAS been changed.....yes, WAY WAY WAY more adventures BUT it has brought me a WAY WAY WAY wider perspective that i would have NEVER had without him.

As ALWAYS.....i am ALWAYS BLESSED