May i tell you the TRUTH...there are nights where i am just tired of going to bed alone AGAIN, tired of being all that i am needing to be, tired of being lonely, tired of being worn down/out, tired of not being able to talk to/see my hubby, tired of being apart for SO LONG, tired of all of it and wondering when it will ever end and if it will, tired of not being able to BE WITH a friend and have TIME WITH them where we could visit for longer than a quick ten minute visit, and tired of feeling like i shouldn't be feeling any of this.
This heat has NOT been good....NOT at all for our house..... isolation has happened and then to not be able to walk twice a day has just about done me in. This heat just can't happen with the kiddos-Sophina would NOT do well. It has been so many DAYS without being able to be out and at least get my fix of visiting with the neighbors and seeing how their days are going.
Conversation is a BIG deal for me and to not have it....with other adults....day after day, night after night......well, it is getting old and hard. I don't know why tonight is so hard when i got to have an amazing afternoon with surprises... quick visits of people picking things up and even helping me in such a way by one person that it made me get all choked up AND a special visit from Liz.
I am ALWAYS BLESSED.......i am......tonight, i am just struggling....AGAIN. UGH! I have 'stuff'.......and i am SO VERY VERY grateful for our air conditioner! OH MY! SO grateful! I am grateful for our washer/dryer that has made OH MY so much less work for me. I am grateful for trees...oh how grateful i am for the beauty of the trees that the Lord created....SO much variety. I am grateful that i know how to cook....and that i created a really amazing soup from scratch and...more importantly, i was able to actually eat it tonight ;) I am grateful for hugs....oh how i need them...more than i ever realized until they were gone. I am grateful for water.....for washing, for cleaning, for drinking, for bathrooms...for all of the things that water does for us. So grateful for chocolate chip cookies (dough). I am grateful for the fact that our daughter, Sophina, was born as our 5th daughter and not our 1st as i wonder if she would have lived if she had even been born 21 years ago (we talked about it tonight...Vika/Catia and i for some reason)....just amazing the medical things that can happen in this day. I am grateful that i got to sing at church this past Sunday...even though it was alone with just Ethan up in the balcony....i at least got to sing with the others that were there. I am grateful for Christian radio....91.5FM that has godly teaching/music that encourages me (as i remember to turn it on) and that it works throughout not just the day but the night. I am grateful for how Christ-honoring music whether it be LeCrae or a hymn or a chorus can speak to my soul like not much else! (I need Thee every hour is on right now......earlier i was listening to LeCrae with the girls...much earlier -ha, pretty fitting music choice, don't you think!) I am grateful for spices and condiments which FILL my shelves! LOVE flavor! I am grateful for blankets, pillows-many, beds with cushion and support, bedrooms, roof and windows. I am grateful for a man who is working a job even though it is far away but that it was a job, FINALLY, after waiting for work for eighteen months. I am grateful for our precious children. I am grateful that they want and desire to love Jesus and others. I am grateful for Signing Times that is teaching our Sophina an AMAZING amount of signs that blows my mind! I am grateful for a country where i can still go to church down the block and WRITE JESUS Christ is the Way, the Light, the Truth, my Hope, the Life, my friend, my HOPE....oh how grateful i am for that alone...HOPE! Anyway, i can write that and not be concerned about having my house raided by the police or my children taken from me! I am grateful for lightweight dresses that are sleeveless and as ugly as they are....they are SO comfortable! :) I am grateful for prayer warriors! I am so grateful for the community of people that i got to become a part of just by birthing our daughter Sophina but then having it enlarged GREATLY because of our heart-birthing our Ethan....what a community of people! I am grateful for a God who loves me...made me suck in air....me, a woman who struggles so greatly with so many things....a woman who has SO much to learn and grow in....a woman who falls so short so often....HE. LOVES. ME. and for that reason ALONE....i will ALWAYS be blessed!