Emotions of adoption....i wonder what it will be like when...

I have been seeing others blogs on adoptions of children from Reece's Rainbow...it is amazing. I have seen things that i never knew existed just a little over four months ago. I have seen children who could have easily been put in our daughters' history books for being in a concentration camp in Hitler's time and no one would have known the difference. I have seen all kinds of things that our son, Ethan, COULD have and have wondered "what we will do if he has....." I have seen first time meetings in their country where the child cuddles right up to the mother, making her break down in tears then also to where the mother is sitting off far away from her child...just watching. I then wonder...."how will Ethan respond to Scott and i...." I have seen people bring gifts to their child and i have seen the joy on the child's face....and i wonder....."what would Ethan like....."and "would the children in the orphanage be mean and try to take it from him once we left....would it make his life worse if we brought him something that was nice...would the orphanage people even let him have it or would they take it away until we came back?" I have seen quite a few homecomings....this is where, honestly, i have tears....i wonder..."will there be people there for Ethan's homecoming....who will be there....and who won't be" I have seen the LONG overwhelming flights that sometimes take more than 24 hours with changes of planes with delays or issues and some children did amazingly well while others struggled the whole way....'will Ethan be scared....will he sleep at all and if he doesn't, will i be able to cope?'
THEN there is the case of all of the fund raising....they are amazing!!! There are always ones that have wonderful gifts....i have seen Gizmos and gadgets to diamonds to well, you name it.....and i wonder..."do i have to go and buy an expensive item in order to have someone give...is that what we should do since everyone else is doing it?" There is a LOT more that i have wondered with all of the fund raising....it IS HARD TO ASK.....just in case YOU have wondered.
There is so much more.....seeing others amazing stories...and thinking that the mothers are nonhuman-they're wonderwomen, brilliant, so much better in all areas of their lives than me, and wondering....'why in the world would God ask ME to be Ethan's mommy....(weeping again....) why i am i honored to be his mother? What a gift....what a treasured gift to be asked....that i SO do not deserve. My husband and children are amazing AND I AM SO BLESSED. THEN I read other posts....where the mothers tell just how real they are....just as unorganized as i am....just as impatient as i am....just as much in need of forgiveness as i am.....just as in need of JESUS as i am....and i realize that if God has called me to be Ethan's mommy (tears again...just that thought keeps amazing me) then Jesus will bring me the strength and the wisdom and the humbleness when i am wrong to BE HIS MOMMY! Yes, i will still be unorganized, very human, not so smart,emotional and have a big mouth with a foot in often times;}) but i will be Ethan's mother.....a proud mother who has been allowed the privilege of watching a little boy become a bigger boy who will grow to become a young man to become a man. One whom i pray will know and will have no doubt that THIS Mommy.....his Mommy loves him deeply!