Thursday, March 22, 2012

Apology #2

My passion... well, i think that it is a rare thing SO therefore it is scary to a lot of people.  I have been this way since i was a young child.  There are some positives...i could sell candy bars to ANYONE when i was a kid!  I am good at sales!  I have been offered jobs on the spot because when i believe in something...i go all out.  There are also negatives.  I have been called many many things with the tones not being the greatest when spoken...different, unique, special, pushy, know it all and many more.

I have tried over the years to soften the edges but i have failed MANY times.  Many times over the years i have been harsh when someone doesn't believe the same way that i do.  I have prayed that i have grown and i KNOW that i have, passion gets so frustrated when it isn't understood and then my passion gets desperate.  Tears...   THEN my passion turns people off.

I have some explaining and i also have some clarifying BUT i also need to apologize.

I could go to the line with SO MANY things but the things...well, the list of things is getting less as my perspective has changed SO dramatically.  My focus has been forever changed.  LIFE is SO important!  My STUFF is so NOT important!!!

Explaining... this is the part that is going to be the hardest...because to make someone understand something that they have NEVER experienced themselves is SO hard to make clear.  Four years ago, i had never known what it was like to ACTUALLY have a baby with DS (the reason i capitalized the word ACTUALLY is because i was told with our Ally that she more than likely had DS when i took what is now called the "Quad" test...they had to do testing to confirm when she was born that she did not have DS...she didn't)  Anyway, in those four years...LOTS has changed.  I have had a miscarriage.  I have had a daughter with DS who has had MULTIPLE issues, surgeries and procedures and STILL has major issues with food aversion.  My life view has been changed.  How does one explain that?

Then enter March 21, 2011 and the change is even MORE drastic.  I saw a site called Reece's Rainbow  I saw children who looked just like our sweet Sophina except i was reading what their lives were like.  I hardly slept those first three days.  I SOBBED!  Heaving sobs when i read about children's lives in some of these orphanages.  I saw that children had actually DIED because no one had ever come for them and they didn't get the medical care that they needed that is RARE in their country but here is BASIC!

I would be up MULTIPLE times at night with our Sophina who at that time would gag at night. MANY  times i would go to sleep wondering what would happen if one time i didn't hear her and that time she wasn't able to clear her airway without my help!  It was not rare to be up 4/5 times a night. At the time of our getting more serious about not just praying and giving to these children but actually thinking of trying to bring one child home to be ours was happening...Sophina was VERY sick.  Scott was not home at this time and i would walk her for literally HOURS due to needing her to be in the upright position.  I would be holding her and praying for Constance who i knew was over in Rus*ia NOT being held when she was one was whispering loving words into her ears,  no one was feeling her heart beat next to one was praying over her to be well...and i would weep for these children as i cared for our own.  My heart would literally hurt!

THEN there was one day when i had talked about a child to our children.  I had shown them his picture and we had talked about him....and the next day he was gone...i couldn't find him...tears....they had just found out that he had passed away and no one had adopted him yet.  I sobbed again!  My justice and sense of RIGHT was so stretched!!!  HOW can i sit here in a home where our pantry is full and our fridge and our freezer and this child DIES!?!?!  How is what we are doing enough?  We are only adopting one!

We had both felt strongly that we were supposed to only be adopting ONE child but let me tell you there were many times that that decision was questioned.  God let us know many times that it was just one.  From the beginning, we told the Lord that we were open to two (even making sure it was on our paperwork that way) if He chose that but we only had until our dossier was sent over and God never led us to more.  My hubby was actually questioning that decision just last night!!!  God answered again...just one for you.  I DO have to tell you that it delighted me to hear my husband who STRUGGLED greatly with the very idea of adopting a year ago to sound excited to try to add another though.

We as parents of a child with DS will never be able to explain the passion that we feel with what we are doing now as adoptive parents fully enough that people will get it...but i pray that this will help.

I have realized that i have felt desperate as i keep realizing that people are getting sick of my sharing adoptive family's fund raisers, showing such sad and horrible situations that these individual children are in when there are things that are more pleasant to think about and games to play.  It is REALLY hard to keep putting it out there as i have felt more and more that people are seeing my desperation as pushy and cold and condemning.  How can i explain the desire i have for all of these children to be adopted without losing the very people that can help?  How do i share the TRUTH without making people turn their heads?

I don't know.

All i know...i am crying....i know that there is a HUGE need for people to PRAY, to SHARE the children's stories, to GIVE to these precious families, and to adopt.  I WANT everyone to DO WHAT THEY CAN.

All i know is....i know that there are SO many places where there are HUGE needs that are just as worthy as bringing home these children that people pray about with as much passion as i do for these children, BUT sometimes in my passion...i forget that i am not praying for the 4000 people who are still missing from the tsunami in Japan...i forget that i don't pray for our military men and women by name, and the list could be LITERALLY MILES long here.  I don't SHARE EVERY fund raiser...i actually only share about 2% of them.  I can't much as we would LOVE to...give to every child that has a family let alone every child AND then i can't give to every organization that i love either!  Not every family is to adopt....and i think that in this ONE area i have been fine.

SO....HOW do i do the mixing of both!?  PLEASE do not give me the answers...
I am going to tell you that i have FAILED at remembering this last paragraph.  In my overwhelming passion....i forget that there are people who are just as passionate about THEIR godly calling and they feel just as frustrated as to why people aren't responding to them.  I have condemned instead of just prayed.  I have guilted.  I have failed at keeping a balance.  I apologize for those times when i have come across as haughty or proud or better than 'all of the rest of the world'.

I am going to tell you though that on the outside of my FB wall is not going to look that different.  I will tell you about my dear friends who are trying to bring home children with as little debt as possible.  I will tell you DAILY about children who are in need of a family, prayer, etc....  I just pray that i will do it with more honey and less judgment.  I pray that you will forgive me for the harshness.

I want to clarify though.....i am NOT apologizing for the sharing, for the prayer requests, for the passion, for the knowledge that i am giving out, for the fact that i have made people feel uncomfortable or bored or the "have you got it out of your system yet' purpose of this apology is NOT to say that what i was doing was too much....BUT HOW my tone ...was sometimes wrong and THAT part needs to change.

I don't know....maybe this will not make sense to anyone but i pray that wouldn't be true.  I pray that you will see my heart wants children to have families, lives to see more of the eternal matters than the STUFF as being important, and children and adults to see others with a sense of -"if that was my child what would i do?"

Always blessed, just me


  1. It saddens my heart that you feel the need to apologize for following your calling... for doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord.

    I read this post this morning that seems to fit your situation.

    Love you, just as you are.


  2. I am glad that you said this because again, i want to clarify that i am NOT apologizing for WHAT i am saying but for some of the times when (on FB especially) i have done it with condemnation. It is mostly from FB though. I don't think that i have done it on our blog but wanted to make sure that my apology got to people as much as i could.
    LOVE you Kristin. Again....if you saw my FB would see TRUTH but not with the condemnation...trying to find that balance is a killer!!! (ha no pun intended) (i wrote a post about Hunger Games making 130 million dollars just this weekend by people handing over $10 and asking if people would also give #10 to a REAL hungry child too)