This morning i did the hardest thing that i have ever done in my life. Our time with Ethan was extremely short today as we were invited WITHOUT A CAMERA into the Christmas party for the orphanage children. My heart would have loved to have brought four more home...precious children were in that room. Ethan walked into the room and we were standing right inside the doorway. They handed him right to me. He was a HUGE handful today and was one of the only ones to struggle to sit still while there was music and a skit. I KNEW that the children had to have music time as he has been very melodic in his 'babblings'. Today, there was definitely proof of it as they had music going on a cd or something and i watched the eldest girl in the room sing every word. There were two older children, the one girl and the other a boy....who appeared to be missing his hands and issues with his legs...his face had a skin issue...he appeared to be shy but he did speak in front of the whole place using his memory. The little girl LOVED to sing and she would sneak smiles at me often. She LOVED that i was watching her. My guess was that she was about 7-9 years of age and that he was about 8-10.
The other children shocked me as they did a performance with children VERY young or else they were just VERY small for their age but they put on a full blown performance of music with actions! I was completely surprised and thought that our children at our church would not even be able to perform that well at this age. This whole time, i was trying to hold onto Ethan and he was really struggling. THEN "Santa Claus" walked in with presents....it got his attention for maybe ten SECONDS! When there was a musical performance later on, Ethan had to be shushed by me and he would not stop so i had to stand with him but even then he was just not like the other days. It was as if he wanted to be in the other room playing with the Mega Blocks which were right in the next room over. He was VERY restless, to the point of where i finally had to give up and give him to Scott so i could hold a precious little girl who is being adopted by a friend of mine. Her hair was black as night, as well as her eyes. She is a sweet, quiet, tender, loving soul who has CP. She looks into your eyes with this look that makes you melt. She is treated with such tenderness. I was able to hold her for a very extended period of time. Ethan's real name was called by the S.C. and so they wanted me to bring him up...i went to put the little girl onto a chair and i saw three different workers flinch or reach quickly to take her as i think that they are very careful with her. I lovingly handed her to one of the workers and took Ethan to SC. The person who had been taking pictures was not there and i was disappointed as i was hoping to have one. I gave Ethan back to Scott and picked up the little girl again...soon after, her name was called and they again wanted me to bring her up so i did and held HER as she got HER picture taken...i was so excited to do that for my friend!!! This little girl is going to melt her Mommy's life as soon as she meets her...oh my....such trust, such yearning to be loved and cared for, such a sweet sweet spirit about her.
I had to give her to someone so i could take Ethan again. We then were told that we could go in the next room where we normally were. We had gotten there over fifteen minutes late as the snow was so bad that we had to wait for the snow plow to dirt and plow the road before we could go up the road...i watched those precious fifteen minutes tick away and my heart was yearning to get out of the van and just run the mile to the orphanage!
We would only get to see our son from 10-11:30am...Monday through Thursday and 4-6 Monday through Wednesday...that is it and today we only had about thirty minutes with him in the room.
Ethan was really out of control today and i can't imagine if he had been cuddly as to how much harder it would have made it for me. I felt helpless, useless, incapable, and scared that i wouldn't be able to do this for 24/7 and in that same breath KNOWING that i didn't care if he was like this 24/7... that i would learn...my love is so full for him. He pulled my hair at the roots again and he gets it in their so i can't get his hand out so IDK what i will do if and WHEN it happens when i am alone. He was reckless and BUSY today so there was really no cuddle time at all...i so badly needed it and wanted it today.
It felt like in moments from getting into the room, they came to get him for the last time. I immediately turned away from them (as they were fine with that) and cuddled his wiggly body close and covered him in kisses telling him how much i loved him...oh how i just wanted to bring him home but i let Scott hold him while i got my stuff together...hoping that they would let me hold him again. I knew that the worker liked me as i liked her a lot. We got our stuff together and i went and kissed his little neck, cheek and nose again. I think i got him again and then gave him back but then "i saw that her hands were really full" so i asked if i could take him and she let me carry him to the door....where we said CHOW for the very last time this year. My eyes started filling with tears as i put my hand on the worker's face and told her thank you with the look on my face that meant it with every fiber of my being.....thank you for loving my son....thank you for caring for him...thank you for allowing me to bring him to the door...thank you for your tenderness with him...thank you....as she went around the corner, i tried to hold it together but then i turned and saw Toni who said with such tenderness in her voice, "Oh i know this is so hard" to which i started weeping and didn't stop for over thirty minutes in the van...i went from quietly sobbing to quietly weeping to quietly having tears go down my face...even shocking me as to their being there. I thought that my heart could not survive such a ripping away but it has.
I am going to have to "Ethan - proof" our ENTIRE house as he is going to be a HUGE HUGE handful. We will have issues with a lot of things...just because he is a boy but also because he does have some bad issues. I think that we will learn a lot though as to what triggers his craziness. As it could just be that he is all boy! BUSY BUSY BUSY!!! I am concerned about him staying in his crib once he wakes up as we saw that the child can climb anything that is climbable! He is also the most curious little boy ever. He also will eat ANYTHING in sight...including paper and banana peel and that is just what we observed on our short stays.
I am head over heels in love with a little boy with Down Syndrome who looks as if he had been born from my womb. He looks like a mixture of our girls and fits in beautifully into our family. Almost as if he had been planned on for being into the Lindquist household from the beginning of time!
I am falling asleep at the computer so should go...hoping to put up pictures, if i can make it but otherwise know that i am ALWAYS BLESSED! Love, Connie for the crew